


i’m right here (always will be)

by HandmaidenOfHorror



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Rebuild of Evangelion Sequel/Time Loop Theory, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23154469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandmaidenOfHorror/pseuds/HandmaidenOfHorror
Summary: Kaworu wants to make Shinji happy, even if it takes many tries to succeed.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47
Collections: It's All in the Name (Take #1)





	i’m right here (always will be)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [krystian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/krystian/gifts).



The first time Kaworu met Shinji, he was arrogant and had a strong feeling of purpose. At that time, Shinji was something of a curiosity, something to kill time with while awaiting the inevitable conclusion. What Kaworu did not expect was to fall in love with the complicated human boy. However, his behavior during their first meeting, especially him having killed a kitten, has broken any chance of them ever coming to be on friendly terms. This was the one thing that Kaworu regretted right before he died.

And that was supposed to be it, the end of both Nagisa Kaworu and Tabris. But, for some reason, it wasn’t, and Kaworu woke up again in Seele custody. He didn’t know why he was there and what time it was (turns out it was just before he was sent out, before he met Shinji). His confusion as to his situation made his handlers cautious, leading to him being kept in for much longer than before, robbing him of the precious time he could have spent with Shinji.

When he was finally let go, his remaining time was to be counted in hours rather than days. Kaworu had no time to waste. He was rehearsing in his head possible better first impressions, but he had no time to prepare. He decided that substance was more important than decour and simply conveyed his feelings directly.

Kaworu wanted give Shinji everything he could in the short time they had together, but at the same time couldn’t help but worry – why is the time repeating? Was it because of his supernatural nature? Was a higher power at play? The fact that his memories after entering the Central Dogma were spotty bothered him the most. 

And, in a blink of an eye, their time was up. The events repeated themselves, not exactly as he remembered them, but close enough to know what is to come. And when he finally faced the being in the Central Dogma, he realized his mission, his purpose, was destined to fail from the very beginning, as the being was not Adam. Lilith’s presence actually explained why his time was repeating – if any being was capable of manipulating reality like that, it was her. When Kaworu asked heartbroken Shinji to kill him, he wished for a reality where he could prevent those events and spend longer time with the love of his life, his soulmate (rather literal in case of Kaworu).

And his wish was granted. He woke up in the past again, this time making sure not to make Seele suspicious. He had more freedom and more time to explore his world, and realized that the world changed too.

From what he could have seen of his second life, some changes were already present before he the loop started. Like a story told from one person to another evolves with each telling, the world Kaworu woke up in evolved with each loop (he decided to call his experience time loops, because that’s the closest term to describe them). The most worrying change was the red Moon, looking as if it were blood-splattered. What exactly had happened this time?

Kaworu has spent the time preparing for his entrance gathering all the information he could get about Ikari Shinji. In this life, Shinji was more assertive and his life a bit less tragic. As in Kaworu’s first life, he also shared a strong bond with Ayanami Rei. Kaworu was proud of him. He was determined to give all of them, Shinji, Rei, Asuka, even the adults and that weird Mari girl (the irony of having thought that didn’t escape Kaworu) a happy ending. And just as everything seemed to go his way, things went haywire and he had to act fast to prevent a premature Third Impact. Worst of it, he lost Shinji.

Kaworu didn’t know what to do. At first, he considered suicide, but he didn’t know if it would trigger another loop. Worst of it, if he attempted suicide but didn’t succeed, it wouldn’t have triggered extreme suspicion in Seele, and who knows what they would have done. Despite being an angel, Kaworu felt powerless, even more powerless than the human surrounding him, as he had a single purpose and that purpose was no longer within his grasp. And then he realized that Shinji is still alive.

Years would pass before it will be possible to retrieve Shinji (though other people only thought about retrieving his Evangelion), and for the first time in his existence, Kaworu had time for himself. There was no longer anything he had to prepare for, anything to do yesterday, and Kaworu could simply be a boy, as much as somebody like him could be a boy. And thus, he read. He played the piano. He learned to fix various gadgets and mechanisms. Kaworu found himself becoming more and more a strange human boy Nagisa Kaworu and less and less the angel Tabris. Was Makinami Mari like that too? He never got to talk with the other teen, so he was left with his suspicions.

And then Shinji was finally back, and Kaworu could give him everything he wanted to do. No longer the arrogant Kaworu of his first life or the loving but disturbingly dissonant Kaworu of his second life, he became Shinji’s friend, companion and mentor. The two boys were happy together, but Shinji was too good of a person to be fully happy when those around him were suffering. Desperate to save the world he so terribly damaged and save his dear friend (First love? Kaworu wasn’t jealous, not at all.), he took a risk. And once more, the events of Kaworu’s death started repeating, and Kaworu knew how it will end. However, he continued on. This time, he was nobody’s tool. This time, he was dying to save Shinji, and perhaps the whole world.

Since then, Kaworu has lived many loops, each more and more different from his first life. Some of them were mundane, with the Second Impact having never happened (though Kaworu always dies in those too). In others, there was still supernatural, but of nature very different to what he was used too. In yet others, he met other loopers. The nature of the loops may be very different, but the purpose is always the same: to save the loved ones. There are some constants in all the loops, though.

One, Ikari Shinji exists.

Two, Nagisa Kaworu loves Ikari Shinji.

Three, Nagisa Kaworu sacrifices himself for Shinji’s happiness.

Kaworu is continuing the loops, hoping that, no, knowing that finally, ultimately, he will be able to give Shinji the happiness he deserves.


End file.
